Partners

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7 years 11 months ago #16422 by illeatyu
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Help

Guys tonight I had a discussion about my CP with my wife, she is feeling helpless and useless because she can't fix it. I explained that she can't fix it and has to learn to cope with that.

We also talked about why she needs to keep sugesting things that I know won't work even when I say no, now I know that it's just her way of trying to help but with my pain and depression up I am having trouble coping with the extra stress.

How did you guy's explain to your partners / significant others about your CP, I tried the spoons, thanks Kate I really like that one, but I think I am not doing a good job of explaining it, I have suggested that she see my Psycologist but she is resistant to that.

I really love my wife and I feel like our marriage is falling apart because of this CP and the resultant depression, I would really appreciate some suggestions or links that might help or just some advise on how to put it so that she will understand.

Thanks

Illeatyu :(

“All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago, in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. And came together to form you, you are unique in the universe.

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7 years 11 months ago #16429 by Wendles
Replied by Wendles on topic Partners
Hi Illeatyu
It can be the hardest thing for our partners to do to see us in so much pain and feel they can not help. I found that explaining their role in my pain team helped. I have doctors, physios, etc to handle the medical sides of things the partners job is to support and remind us there is a world and life out there. I have a chart on the fridge that explains what steps i use when my pain is ok, increasing, bad and terrible for things like medicine, exercise, relaxation etc and it means my partner can say your pain is a bit high today have you tried ....... (by looking on the chart). This lets them help and also it isn't suggesting wrong things that could frustrate me.
Just some ideas.
Wendles

There is always a SMILE
in your day,
you just need to find it!

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7 years 11 months ago #16434 by Florrie
Replied by Florrie on topic Partners
G'day Illeatu,

You are doing it pretty damn tough at the moment, I really hope things improve for you soon.

I can't offer you any words of wisdom here, but thought it worthwhile to tell you a few things about my husband, he is marvellous and very good to me, however he had a tough time accepting the "new me". We have always worked for ourselves and I had always been right by his side, how things have changed and the early days were damn tough.

Blokes just want to be able to "fix things", a sick wife included! He still feels rather helpless, but has slowly accepted my illness. He absolutely hates the way medicine is so powerless to "fix" me. It is my preference to not have my husband with me at most of my medical appointments as his frustration tends to come out and the Doctor's can get a bit cranky, including one slamming the door behind us...oops. It sounds to me as though your wife may feel the same as my husband.

My situation is a bit different to most on here as I not only have chronic pain, but I am also exceptionally unwell, which I suppose is more of a visible thing, making it that bit easier for my husband to see and understand.

It certainly is a very tough old track for them to travel too. I just wish for you to know you are not alone, your wife is not alone either. It is a journey that is shared in a marriage. Thank heavens for their love and concern.

Take care Illeatu :)
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7 years 11 months ago #16436 by Mary
Replied by Mary on topic Partners
Hi illeatyu,

This is always hard. I remember it being a sort of "silent" issue for us because my husband does not communicate on an emotional level at all. I think he was sure that I would be "fixed" long after I knew that I wouldn't and was seeking management strategies.

It would be really good if your wife would see your psychologist but it is no use trying to force the issue. I think that my husband learnt a lot when I went to Uni and bleated on to him about chronic conditions/chronic pain etc. for years. Then I started facilitating courses and he got more ear bashing:) He still tends to not quite "get it" if I am really bad, but I think that is because he feels helpless more than anything.

He has accepted that I can't so as much on holidays and he either does some things alone or accepts that we are still having a break and that in itself is something that we originally thought would never happen again. I think education is one of the answers, but you can't force that on anyone either. I think my husband has just absorbed some knowledge over the years.

Have you seen the "Letter to people without chronic pain"? I have put the link up before, but just in case you haven't seen it, here it is again:

www.sabp.nhs.uk/services/specialist/psyc...without-chronic-pain

Good luck,

Mary

Not every day is a good day, but there is good in every day.

"“It’s delightful when your imaginations come true, isn’t it?” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
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7 years 11 months ago #16446 by Wendles
Replied by Wendles on topic Partners
Hi illeatyu
The pain clinic I went to a couple of months ago had a partners day at the end which included talks and question time with the different specialist (without the CP patner)and also some reading material. That really gave them a chance to ask those questions they don't want to ask us and also understand where we are going from here. It made a huge difference to our relationship.
I hope with all our thoughts and ideas you can find something that will help
Wendles

There is always a SMILE
in your day,
you just need to find it!
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7 years 11 months ago - 7 years 11 months ago #16460 by Retread
Replied by Retread on topic Partners
Hi illeatyu, must be something in the water, we are having a bit of a bad patch as well. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, everything I say seems to come out the wrong way. Also I think our partners are also struggling with the constant added pressure, and need to vent as well. Just wish they'd vent elsewhere :woohoo:

Today I went back to my psychologist, haven't been for since 1998 but I am at the stage where I am not coping, and really need help. My girl feels that I should just be able to talk to her, and although she hasn't said it, I know she feels that I have let her down on this one.

Life's really complicated at times.
Last edit: 7 years 11 months ago by Retread.
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