Depression

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5 years 3 months ago #23024 by Marley
Replied by Marley on topic Depression
Hi illeatyu :cheer:
recon more than 2c worth. I personally find you of great value.
Marley :sick:
ps: read rules carefully and on 1st post already banned permanently from ANU site :S

Once I could laugh with everyone
Once I could see the good to me
Holding the world inside
Now the world is grey to me
Nobody can see you gotta believe it
Oh oh the night comes down
And I get afraid of losing my way
Oh oh the night comes down
And it’s dark again
“The Night Comes Down” Queen

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5 years 3 months ago #23025 by illeatyu
Replied by illeatyu on topic Depression
WTF ?? :huh:

Did you kill his rabbit ?? :(

“All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago, in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. And came together to form you, you are unique in the universe.

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5 years 3 months ago #23038 by Wendles
Replied by Wendles on topic Depression
Hi all,
yes depression is a big part of chronic pain but it seems to come and go for me depending if i have got a good grip on the pain. I was adviced to find time for myself as i seem to spend my time only on work and pain but it is hard to find time as everything just takes so much longer when you are in pain. i have had pain for many years now and it has changed over the years, affecting more of my body and now i find when i stop to think about what i like to do. i dont know!. Pain has taken much of it away as it is no longer possible due to the pain. It also seems that my life has been consumed with pain and i have been lost along the way, who am i? what brings me joy, what do i want to do. I find myself just sitting staring into space when i do have spare time as i have no idea what to do to make me happy. How do you start to rebuild yourself when pain has destroyed you?

There is always a SMILE
in your day,
you just need to find it!
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5 years 3 months ago - 5 years 3 months ago #23039 by Peter
Replied by Peter on topic Depression
Ah Wendles, you've asked the million dollar question that I don't think any of us can answer. Wish someone could, cos I would dearly love to know also.

This damn depression dogs all of us. It hangs around me like a bad smell and just won't go away. After having moderate to severe pain for the last 55 years of my life, I now have the good fortune to look back with hindsight and I might ad, with some sadness. I have lost so much, because of this accursed condition, but in some ways I have gained a huge amount too.

What have I lost?
I have lost a good part of my freedom, the ability to work, play any form of sport, even muck around with children, which hurts me deeply. I have lost friends, family and social interaction with other human beings on a regular basis.

Work?
I wish I was able to work, so that I could escape this prison. We are all sentenced to some form of imprisonment, whether it be like your position or like mine. I am a recluse......a bloody hermit!
I do attend the local Men's Shed, which does help enormously, but it is nowhere near enough. Being totally on your own with no other adult to speak to, to listen to, to love, to do things with, to cry with, to be happy with, to.....well, the list goes on and on. Being the only adult in the house with no one else around, can sometimes be too much to bear.

The cold darkness of loneliness bites keenly and just when you think you have mastered this form of torture, it surprises you with a sharp sting in its tail, just to remind you that it is still there no matter what you do.

I have been studying to do more volunteer work in my community, which I will tell you all about when the right day comes. This will get me out and about and give me more contact with other human beings and it will give me purpose. For the lack of purpose is the same poison that keeps alive the darkness of loneliness and keeps that damn depression attached to our legs.
Once we have purpose, distraction comes much more easily.


Wendles, there is one very big positive I have gained from all this loss. And I am not referring to the unwanted gain of chronic pain. Hehehe. That would be an odd thing to see as a gain aye!

No. What I have gained is ME!

It has taken me all these years of servitude and sacrifice to other people, who were for the most part, undeserving of my service and the care I gave. You live and work for others, for decades, and you forget all about yourself. You yourself, deliberately put yourself way down the list.

Well, I have finally found me on that list and brought me right up to number 2 position, just under my kids. And you know what? I am quite pleased with this. I am now able to see just what I like and hate about myself and I am working on it. Soon there will be the real me who is happy and content, even though the pain will never leave me. And you know what, I am 3 parts out of 4 there. Not long to go.

All of this, because I chose a long time ago to not let my pain rule my life, even though I hurt just like you. And yes, many times I shed tears, because the pain is too much. But once the pressure of the stress is gone due to the positive release brought about by crying, I simply dismiss everything that just occurred, forget about the pain and get on with life. The pain is still up around 8 out of 10, but I no longer feel it, because I choose not to.

Once I accepted this 'THING' was going to accompany me to the pine box at the end of my life, I decided to ignore it and not let it define me. Yes I still need medication and my health is still very average, but I'm working on that constantly to improve it.

Where my life ends, well, that is not my concern. I gave up having ideals and goals that are too far in the future and just accepted that living from day to day is all I can do and I have learned to be happy with that. What else can I do. I have no choice, so there is no point agonizing over it, stressing myself out and making myself even sicker with higher pain levels.
Better to just accept it, forget about the losses and enjoy the lower pain levels, but most importantly, I enjoy having this mental power over my pain where I have the ability to just not recognise it's intensity, so I can get on with my day. If I think about it, it hurts real bad. So I don't think about it.

All of this rambling above, I guess, is how I get by with having depression attached to my leg, constantly trying to drag me down. I am not depressed at all. But I do fall in and out of it occasionally. This is reactive depression and I treat it as such.

I guess it all lies within our frame of mind. Life can look bleak if you allow it too. I choose to not see things that way.

Finally and most certainly NOT the least, I have to say that my Faith is my backstop, my mainstay! This is what keeps me going and keeps me sane. This gives me emotional and psychological purpose, keeps my spirits up and prevents me from taking a step over into the abyss of depression. I feel eternally grateful for this gift of Faith and will not let it go.

Anyway, I hope some of the polly-waffle that I have put in print above will give you some insight into how I get by each day.


Peter

I wish the ring (this Chronic Pain) had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. (Frodo Baggins)
So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to us. (Gandalf the Grey)
Last edit: 5 years 3 months ago by Peter.
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5 years 3 months ago #23040 by illeatyu
Replied by illeatyu on topic Depression
Wendles, Peter,

As I lie here in my bed with pain shooting down my left side from my buttock to my foot, I understand the not letting it win, it was my brothers wedding today and as I was best man, I used all of next weeks spoons to make sure he had the wedding he deserved. Now I am hoping I can walk again by Tuesday so I can go back to work.
I understand exactly what you mean Wendles, I used to love, Archery, Bushwalking, and so many other things that the pain has stolen from me, not the least being my mental health.
I am trying to use meditation and music "Symphonic Metal" a band called Delain, and Nightwish, because I can use the music to help block the pain, but it is always their in the back waiting for me to weaken, and some days I win and some days it wins.

What terrifies me is what happens when I have nothing left to loose, what happens when the pain has taken everything I am away, and all that is left is the pain, how do I climb back from that, I don't have your faith Peter, I wish I did I only have me, and you guys, I am alone in a crowd of people who cannot ever understand just how much I have lost and how hard I fight every day just to stay where I am, and not slide backwards into the hole.

And no I'm not suicidal, I have on my left arm the "Eye of Horus" my promise to my children that I will not take my own life no matter how much I may want to, but there are days where the only thing that stops me is that tattoo.

Today is one of those days.

Illeatyu

“All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago, in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. And came together to form you, you are unique in the universe.
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5 years 3 months ago #23041 by Peter
Replied by Peter on topic Depression
Yep, know exactly how you feel Brother. And just know that you are in our thoughts today are you struggle through this flare up.

Peter

I wish the ring (this Chronic Pain) had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. (Frodo Baggins)
So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to us. (Gandalf the Grey)
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